


Imbalance of Equilibrium

by WitchHobi



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Explicit Scenes, M/M, Reference to past violence, Reunions, Rewrite of Equilibrium, Trans Male Character, Verge into AU Later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 20:23:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4193661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WitchHobi/pseuds/WitchHobi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasaki was convinced, something was wrong with him, he knew from the beginning. The voices, the pain, the memories that slipped through his fingers like droplets of water collected in bare hands. As soon as he'd begin to remember it would all fall away again, as soon as he saw something sparked something in him, his chest tightened, a melancholy washing his thoughts and painting them gray and bleak as he'd struggle to remember the happy days before he was nothing but another investigator who'd risen to the top faster than anyone should have. <br/>	Faster than many believed humanly possible.<br/>	Ah, but that was the catch wasn't it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Imbalance of Equilibrium

**Author's Note:**

> The rewrites begin! I wanted this fic to be canon compliant but because of what we knew when I started the fic it really couldn't be, unfortunately. This takes place in the current arc, after the Auction Raid. Thank you for your patience and thanks for reading!

_e·qui·lib·ri·um_

_ˌēkwəˈlibrēəm,ˌekwəˈlibrēəm/_

_noun_

  1. _a state in which opposing forces or influences are balanced._



           

 

            Sasaki Haise was not to be toyed with.

            He was strong, cunning, steady, intelligent beyond belief, talented, intrepid, wise. Everything that the CCG wanted in an investigator.

            He'd have to be, given the circumstance.

            Living under the watchful eye of Akira and Arima, _being_ the watchful eye of a squad that was thrust into his hands like a basket of unwanted kittens left on the side of the road. He would've argued, said he wasn't qualified for this job, but that would require just that, argument, and that was dangerous for anyone, but especially for him.

            He was happy though, to an extent, to lower his head, to accept things for what they were, but… Something was off.

            Sasaki was convinced, something was wrong with him, he knew from the beginning. The voices, the pain, the memories that slipped through his fingers like droplets of water collected in bare hands. As soon as he'd begin to remember it would all fall away again, as soon as he saw something sparked something in him, his chest tightened, a melancholy washing his thoughts and painting them gray and bleak as he'd struggle to remember the happy days before he was nothing but another investigator who'd risen to the top faster than anyone should have.

            Faster than many believed humanly possible.

            Ah, but that was the catch wasn't it.

            Sasaki didn't believe in a forgiving world, after all. Instead, it was just that took what it pleased, when it pleased, leaving its habitants with nothing, if they were lucky.

            After the raid of the auction, he was stuck. Trying to piece together the ribbons that were his memories, the wisps of smoke that passed behind his eyes before fading again. He was certain, after speaking with the girl in Cochlea, Fueguchi, that there was plenty that his father, Arima, and his mother-or-Akira, weren't telling him. Things they hid, _buried_ , that they refused him. It was for his own good, he figured, but it was still so vague. His breath would constrict in his throat and the sadness, the loss he wasn't allowed to feel, would take over again, and the boy in white would begin to whisper again.

            But Sasaki would swallow it, control it, conceal it, as was his way.

 

 

            That night was different than the others.

            He'd worked late, joked with himself that maybe since he spent so much extra time on paperwork Urie would finally be able to relax for a few moments, skipped dinner, and finally opted to walk back to the Chateau instead of taking his usual train. He needed the exercise, and clearing his head would've been nice. But the walk home, past closed restaurants and the occasional open store and a coffee shop he went to occasionally, brought something else entirely.

 

            "Kaneki?"

 

            _Oh no._

           

            "Kaneki, wait," The voice was hastened and Sasaki hated the feeling it gave him when he turned to face the owner.

            "I'm sorry I'm not--." He froze in place, his breathing stuttering to a halt as he finally saw him. Shaggy blonde hair that fell just in the big, amber eyes that seemed to glow. They didn't look very happy anymore, though.

 

            _Wait.  
            Anymore?_

            The young man sighed heavily, shaking his head, running fingers through his hair before forcing a smile, "look, Sasaki, right? That's what you're going by now?"

            "How do you know--."

            "Because we're best friends," He looked up with hope in those amber eyes and Sasaki wasn't sure what it was but they made him _feel_ something. Something akin to the feeling of going back to his Squad after a long day's work, sitting on the couch with Tooru and reading books together, tying Saiko's tie for work, _coming home._ "Remember?"

 

            "I…" Sasaki couldn't breathe, his vision was growing hazy as he watched the man's face melt into concern and he reached out for him, his touch was gentle and soon breath touched his ear as he felt himself being enveloped when he began to lose balance.

            "You're okay, listen to me," He urged, holding him steady, "I know you don't understand everything now, that's okay, I know you don't remember everything, that's okay too. I just want to understand, I want to help you, Kaneki, I want--."

 

            Suddenly, Sasaki wasn't _seeing_ anymore.

            Instead, he saw children, a group of them that he'd passed along the way to get lunch one day. "Did you know rabbits can die of loneliness?"

 

            Afterward, it was a pair of headphones he'd noticed in a shop painted with bright orange lacquer that caught his eye and made him wonder how they'd sound playing American music. He didn't _like_ American music, but the thought came with a twinge of familiarity in his chest.

 

            He saw a young man with short, fluffy hair, black roots adding dimension instead of taking away from the look. The boy who joked about girls he liked and about most of them being out of his league. The boy who also joked about boys he liked and about how most of them weren't him. Sasaki had laughed at that back then, but at the same time he wondered why he didn't just finally say yes, go with him instead of all of those others. He figured it was part of his learning complex, he wanted to know, wanted to test everything before he made a decision, he knew his friend understood. His friend was patient.

 

            His friend was…

 

            _"Hide,"_ Sasaki choked, his vision coming back to him along with the pounding in his head which was for once unaccompanied by voices, he would bet that the boy in white was happy, content even for this moment.

            The young man flinched a bit, _"there you are,"_ his voice was an awed whisper, Sasaki could feel him nuzzle his face into his neck, a breath shook his shoulders, and Haise could question if he was going to cry before he spoke again.

            "Are you alright? How do you feel?"

            Sasaki shook his head, finally stretching to wrap his arms around Hide's waist, "I don't know, I don't know much, I can recall pieces, I don't--."

            "That's alright," Hide spoke over him again, "you'll get there."

 

            Would he? He wasn't sure.  
            Did he even want to?

 

            "I don't want to disappear." He said, quiet, honest, he knew enough about this boy that he wouldn't ever be able to lie to him.

            Hide didn't miss a beat, instead, just pulling back, smiling, "You'll never have to, I won't let you." He touched Sasaki's cheek, tilting his head a bit in the way he always did, "You helped me, you made it okay for me, it's my turn, I'll help you through this."

            Sasaki furrowed his brow, confusion setting in, "What do you mean?"

            Hide shrugged, "In due time, man. For now, let's get you home. It's late. You're tired, you're doing that shuffling feet thing you do when you're tired."

            Haise froze completely before huffing a laugh, "you're right, I have a feeling you're usually right."

            "I am."  
            "I'll go home, let me give you my phone number, we can meet tomorrow and talk, okay?"

            Hide smiled, his grin was bright and warm and Sasaki already felt better. He nodded, extending his hand for the piece of paper Sasaki had just finished writing and when he took it he took his hand as well. Holding it with both of his, seeming to revel in being able to touch them, him, his eyes closing and he hummed through closed lips before releasing him, taking the note, looking up once more with molten amber, "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow then."


End file.
